Insert Insight Here...

Not My Birthday

2008-08-24T22:38:00.000-07:00

My grandmother's birthday is today. Go Her. I don't know if I've blogged about her birthday before, but I have to say that certain parts remind me of a family friendly version of The Godfather. My Uncle's associates usually pass through the birthday gathering to wish her a happy birthday, so she's getting dozens of well-wishes from people that she has never met before, and my Uncle never exactly explains who any of these people are.

We've all Been Here

2008-08-24T22:24:00.001-07:00

If I could properly credit this, I would

Amoeba

2008-08-04T22:03:00.000-07:00

I popped my Amoeba Music cherry today http://www.amoeba.com/ For those of you who don’t know, and are too lazy to click the link, Amoeba is an incredible used/new music store.

There were a metric fuckton of Bjork singles, which made me very happy. They have pretty much everything. Sections devoted to pretty much everything even! Trance was separate from Electronica, and a separate Metal section for you metalheads out there.

I was pretty excited when I got in there and saw so much obscure music. I always enjoy the chance to introduce people to new music, but there are times where I feel isolated in my musical preferences, so Amoeba is validation for all of my musical oddities. It's like going to a furry convention, except a lot more wholesome and definitely not something to be ashamed of.

The Slow News Day...

2008-07-29T22:30:00.000-07:00

I know this because they’re still talking about the earthquake this morning. People had things fall over, but no one was seriously hurt, or killed, and no buildings fell down. If you don't live in the area and had to hear about the earthquake incessantly, I am sorry.

75 and 300+

2008-07-10T20:51:00.000-07:00

First things first. As a service to all 3 of my blog readers, and my 2 MySpace readers, I’m going to shut the fuck up about promising updates. I will either update, or not, and I will refrain from boring you with the shitty details of why I promise the world and deliver nothing.

Today’s numbers of the day are 75, and 300+, and I think it’s an appropriate theme for the day.

75 is the score I need to pass the final part of my CPA test. I took it last Thursday. In case you’re wondering how I did, the answer is that I’m not too sure. I mean, I genuinely don’t know. I never know with these things. A coworker pointed out that since I’ve passed 3 parts so quickly, this is more a waiting game than anything else. I can limp across the finish line if need be. There are 4 parts to the CPA test, and once I pass this last one, I’ll be done. Yay!

Speaking of 4. Y’know what 4 * 75 is? 300, which brings me to the second number of the day 300+

HOW’S THAT FOR A SEGUE, BITCHES?!?!!? HOW YA LIKE ME NOW?!?!?!

300+ is how much more my credit card bills have been lately. I’d like to blame inflation, but truthfully, I’m just buying more stuff. There’s so many different things that I want and need.

300+ is also how much I had to pay to replace the cell phone I lost today. Quite the expensive mistake. I hope the person at 7-11 that picked up my cell phone enjoys it, until he/she is hit by a bus.

Still Living

2008-04-23T22:35:00.000-07:00

Alright folks, it’s after April 15th, so guess what? I have a life again! Yay! Things have gone pretty well in the last week. The company went to Santa Anita racetrack last Thursday, and I won $250 betting on the ponies. We got last Friday off, so I went and finished the last of the major parts of the great room redecoration. Things are looking fairly swank, although there is a lot of Alcohol on display at the moment. Many thanks to ‘Net-‘Net for the booze. It has been a tragedy that I have not drunk-called her whist imbibing my birthday booze. This will change soon.

Coachella is this weekend. The lineup this year is lacking, but I’me excited to see Kraftwerk, and Portishead. Alas, I don’t think I will get to see Junkie XL because of the scheduling and my desire to get close to the stage. Prince is an interesting headliner, and I will stay for that. I just don’t think he fits in with the lineup though.

...Speaking of music, I’m on last.fm http://www.last.fm/user/SumThing and yes, I do listen to pop music, and rap. Deal with it. Also, while I do frequently play So Fresh, So Clean after getting out of the shower, it is in no way indicative of how often I shower.

I'm not dead...

2008-03-23T22:21:00.000-07:00

Despite rumors to the contrary, I am not dead at this particular point in time, although I sometimes wish I were faking my own death. The shortened version is this it tax season, so until April 15, I am going to be working a lot of overtime. The little bit of bonus information is that due to poor planning decisions on the part of the partners, we all have to put in about 60 hours a week to get to where we need to go.

So for the most part, I have been working with very few breaks and hating the world, but that’s me even after tax season, so it’s not that different than always. I am definitely feeling the desire to move on from this job though. I’ll see how things go over the next 6 months, and of course, you people will know about these things when I get a chance.

So over the last 2 months of so, I’ve bought some swank Ikea furniture http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/10062592 and http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/40118168 as part of my project to redecorate my room. I got tired of having my books and CD’s in my dresser drawers instead of a more sensible place. The books part I am still working on btw. I am also in the process of developing a $5 milkshake, and always trying to improve the chef-ness. I’ve also passed 3 of the 4 parts to the CPA test, so it’s like a CP.

Anywho, I’m waiting till April 15 for the end of tax season, and Portishead later in the month. Yay!

For the Romantics...

2008-02-14T21:47:00.000-08:00

For that oh so special person in your life when you are a complete dork http://bureauofcommunication.com/compose/romanticintent

Timing

2008-02-06T21:45:00.001-08:00

so I managed to lose my work keys yesterday, which meant that I'd have to spend tonight turning the place upside down to find them, lest I piss off the Partners. Naturally, I had to play some music to aid in my key finding-ness. As soon as Bjork - Domestica ended, my keys fell off the blanket they were crumpled in, and onto the floor.

Nerdity

2008-01-28T22:49:00.000-08:00

An interesting little SciFi story by Isaac Asimov, whom you may recognize as turning over in his grave when I, Robot was released. Check it out http://filer.case.edu/dts8/thelastq.htm

Consumer Whores...

2008-01-27T16:48:00.000-08:00

Before I begin today’s post, I’d just like to point out that I am blogging instead of studying the exciting and erotic world of contract law. I am doing this for you, my audience. If I didn’t feel the unrelenting urge from within my loins to blog right now, I wouldn’t be. Why? Lemme tell you something…the instant you pop open a book on tax and general business law, women knock on your door and ask to go down on you. After they finish up, people come to your house and want to have a party that will be remembered for the ages. Seriously.

So it looks like many of us will be receiving checks from the government to help stop a recession. Those of you who were sane enough to not major in business, or econ are probably wondering ~~“Hey, You Sexy Blog Poster.~~ This doesn’t make any sense to me. Why are we getting checks from the government?”

The intent is to make sure that our economy keeps going at its current pace, so we avoid a decrease in the production of goods and services, also known as a recession. Recessions are a normal part any economy, but there is a theory that perhaps we can make them less severe through economic policy, resulting in fewer jobs lost, and a generally better economic condition. Jobs are always the #1 issue related to the economy. Everything comes back to you going to work tomorrow.

So how did we get to this point? This particular recession was caused by the collapse of the housing market. For various reasons, people have found themselves having to spend more money on their mortgage payments. This means that they have less money to spend on giant TV’s and cars, which means more layoffs

So Congress and the president decided that it would be a good idea to give everyone some amount of money in the hopes that they would spend it, thus revitalizing the economy. The interesting thing about this plan is that people who can afford to save the save the money probably will because they are afraid of losing their jobs and need more cushion. People who can’t afford to save it can be separated into people that effectively live hand to mouth (working poor), people who will foolishly spend it, or people who will use it to pay off debt.

Do your part, folks. Spend Spend Spend.

Courtesy of some unidentified person...

Something Better Than The 1UP Shirt

2008-01-16T21:27:00.000-08:00

I love my new shirt, and I will wear it constantly. Check it out http://www.threadless.com/product/783/Inside_You...Giggity

I Love the Biore Strips

2007-12-03T21:02:00.000-08:00

I really do. I just wish that it wasn't so unmanly to buy. Perpahs they should promote the fact that it involves potentially ripping flesh from your face. Anywho, I love these things so much that here is a picture of my used one

The Typical LA Attitude

2007-09-03T20:09:00.000-07:00

I hate my neighbors for a lot of different reasons. My neighbors are constantly fighting, or screaming to call 911 over stupid dating related bullshit. Apparently it’s a dire emergency when you decide to break up with your boyfriend for the umpteenth time, and he’s following you to your car to ask you to reconsider.

Anyway... 2 weeks ago, I heard an unsettling scream for help. It was loud/scary enough that a few of my neighbors decided to peek out from their apartments to get a look. I couldn’t see whomever had screamed for help, but I could see a woman in a Prius talking to someone and asking "Do you need help? Do you want me to call 911?" I kinda shrugged and figured that whomever it was, was getting the help she needed from that nice lady driving by.

So I go back to my computer and my friends on IM guilted me into going downstairs. So I went, and no only was there no Prius, there was no lady anywhere. I was the only person on the entire street. AND GUESS WHO WAS THE ONLY PERSON THERE WHEN THE COPS CAME 2 MINUTES AFTER I GOT DOWNSTAIRS?! So naturally, they’re asking me a bunch of questions. It looks very suspicious when you tell the cops that someone on IM told you to do something btw. I don’t think they found anything, but they sure had fun questioning me.

Gee Prius lady, how about you show some fucking decency for your fellow human beings and stay around until the cops show up so I don’t look like a jackass, or maybe your time is just too important. I've actually called 911 for strangers before, and I've had the decency to wait around until someone shows up. Maybe I'm taking the wrong view of this. Maybe it was a neighbor of mine on an LSD trip, and she went back upstairs. I hate my neighbors.

Kanye Doesn't Care About Black People Either

2007-07-26T20:08:00.000-07:00

...or at least the ones that are his fans. Here's his new video, with a face that's probably not familiar to most of his fans http://www.kanyewest.com/?content=video_cant_tell_alt

p.s. I am very hungry. Please provide me with food and libations

One Last Thing...

2007-06-25T22:57:00.000-07:00

If you've ever thought that women weren't as "bad" as men I have two words for you. Pube Burrito.

Who Doesn't Hate Spoiled Kids?

2007-06-25T20:39:00.000-07:00

For those among you that don't watch tv there is a show on MTV called "My Super Sweet 16" The show is about the teens planning their 16th birthday party. I always suspect that all of the teens are spoiled, as evidenced by the fact that they request and receive both expensive parties, costing tens of thousands of dollars to throw, and the expensive cars they request and receive. I rarely have evidence however. Take a look at this spoiled brat: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTpJEoZ9S3g

At least that was on tv. Slightly more disturbing are the hateful comments about her. Spoiled people do need a smack in the face with the big book of reality though.

One of Those Things that Always Bothered Me

2007-06-24T22:13:00.000-07:00

Way back when I used to work at a hospital, we had a resident that tried to kill herself a few weeks before she would have finished her residency. Apparently she had close friends, just a person in the office that she told things to. Said “friend” told everyone in the office. So much for friendship, I suppose. I always wonder what happened to that resident. I heard she did finish her residency and practices now. I hope things are going better for her.

About My Angus...

2007-05-28T19:27:00.000-07:00

The latest battle in the burger wars is being fought on the anguses of of poor cows across America. Angus Beef is a special kind of beef with an odd name. The marketers for Jack in the Box have an interesting commentary: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Svt1bVEpDoY&mode=related&search=

There's really no beating that, so what did Carl's Jr do? They are going to sue! http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18894390/ Sometimes you just have to accept that you got beat fair and square.

On Rejection

2007-05-20T19:32:00.000-07:00

I like to browse Bash.org and read the quotes. Sometimes they're disturbingly insighful. Tip for the ladies: if you have a male friend and you're not interested in him, don't mention what a great guy he is. That's not helpful. Say he's ugly, or say that he's not a great guy. It's one of the areas in a man's life where he really wants an honest answer, not matter how ugly it may be. Bash.org has a great explanation:

DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

http://www.bash.org/?414593

God Hates a Lot of Things Apparently

2007-05-16T21:58:00.000-07:00

There was a time where I would begin a post like this with the phrase "For the 3 of you that have been under a rock", but it seems that a lot of people don’t pay any attention to the news, so... For those of you that don’t know, Jerry Falwell, the man who blamed 9/11 on the feminists, the ACLU and the pagans, the man who accused a Teletubbie of being gay, the man who claimed AIDS is a punishment from God for being gay, and the man who questioned the motivations of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. because of his leftist associations (equal rights are inherently communist), has died.

As one opinion article said, Mr. Falwell will be quite surprised to see who also made it to heaven (yes, I’m talking the high road). In case you’re wondering why his death is significant, Mr Falwell did a horrible, horrible thing and was instrumental in turning evangelical Christians into a powerful voting bloc. Democracy sucks sometimes.

Not everyone is taking the high road on Mr Falwell’s death though. It seems that another "holy man" didn’t like him very much. Fred Phelps, head of the Westboro Baptist Church, Creator of
www.godhatesfags.com and www.godhatesmaerica.com, protestor at gay funerals, the funeral of Mr. Rogers (yes, the beautiful day in the neighborhood guy), and all around bag of shit, will be protesting at Mr. Falwell’s funeral. I’m really hoping that a good fight breaks out. Hate is an interesting thing.

Economics and These Emails I Get

2007-05-08T22:15:00.000-07:00

A friend sent me an email reminding me that I’m supposed to fight the man on the 15th by not buying gas. I love my friends, and everyone knows I love fighting the man, but I feel that sometimes people don’t spend enough time fighting out how to fight the man. For those of you that didn’t have to take Economics, I’ll explain.

The idea of behind not buying gas is that the oil companies will see all of the people decide not to buy gas on the 15th, and they will have to lower their prices, or else people will continue to not buy gas, and they will not have a sellable product.

The general idea is sound. Under ideal conditions, buying less of a product will cause the price to drop in response. The only problem with gas purchasing is that it’s never under ideal conditions for the consumer. Consumers cannot quickly change their gas purchasing habits. The people who do not buy Gas on the 15th will buy it on the 14th, or the 16th not necessarily because they want to, but because they have to. On top of that, many people will just accept the higher gas prices and continue their gas consumption habits. To a certain extent, it’s like a diabetic protesting the price of insulin by not buying any for a day. The oil companies know you’ll be back soon.

So maybe the best way to fight the man is by purchasing a nice gasoline hybrid made by the largest automaker in the world, Toyota. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

Good News!

2007-05-08T20:57:00.001-07:00

Good news everyone! I’ve just received another job offer in Hyderabad. It turns out that my unique talents are very much in demand in India. Normally I wouldn’t consider a job in India, but after winning the UK Lottery for the second time this year, I think I need to explore the world, but first, I need to hire the A-Team to save some royalty in Nigeria. Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems. I love the internet

Dear R. Kelly

2007-05-07T20:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Kelly, I would like to thank you for the years of entertainment I’ve had at your expense. Sure, the Chapelle show parodies were hilarious, and who can ever forget that memorable episode of the Boondocks, but I must say that my most memorable experience was when I was in my CIS class reading the news on my PDA and I read that you would not be allowed to associate with Michael Jackson. That’s still funny to this day. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end, and you will eventually be put on trial for having sex with an underage girl, on camera. Even worse, you engaged in the sorta thing that would make the Germans proud. Alas, the golden shower on an underage girl makes you that guy. Let’s hope your trial starts soon so we can find out more juicy tidbits about your life. I’d love to hear that all of your dirtiest songs were written to some underage girl you were smitten with, but who rejected your advances.

Enjoy your time in prison. It will give you a lot of time to write.

Bjorkgasm

2007-05-07T19:42:00.000-07:00

Unf!

Coachellaness...

2007-05-01T19:20:00.000-07:00

I went to Coachella this past weekend. Pictures here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/27839045@N00/sets/72157600162505101/

It was double-plus-one awesome. I always think that I’m going to be cool whenever I see Bjork in concert and it won’t be a big deal, but when she gets on stage, I’m so happy that I’m speechless.

My three music recommendations are CSS, Regina Spektor, and Explosions in the Sky. Also, if you’re Regina Spektor and you’re reading this, msg me. Also, Explosions in the Sky will ROCK YOUR FUCKING FACE!!!!11ONE. Thanks to ‘nette-nette (she doesn’t know I’ve been calling her this in my mind for months) for telling me to see them) for the recommendation.

So It Goes...

2007-04-11T21:51:00.000-07:00

My favorite author, Kurt Vonnegut has died. So it goes. http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/11/books/11cnd-vonnegut.html

I'm a sad panda over this. Vonnegut has been my favorite author ever since I had to do an HS project about an author. I picked him because I was interested in reading Slaughterhouse Five, and it provided an excuse to do so. I started by reading Player Piano, and although I didn't like the book, I do have positive memories associated with it because my most favorite picture of myself was taken while I was reading it. The pic eventually wound up on its own page in my HS yearbook. I took a long time to read that book because I didn't like it, but I read all of the other books I needed for the report in about 2 days each because I really liked them

The themes in his books speak to me. He was very good at pointing out the bullshit. From Slaughterhouse Five:

"The flaw in the Christ stories...was that Christ, who didn't look like much, was actually the son of the most powerful being in the universe. Readers understood that, so, when they came to the crucifixion, they naturally thought...: Oh, boy - they sure picked the wrong guy to lynch that time! And that thought had a brother: "there are right people to lynch." Who? People not well connected. So it goes. The visitor from outer space made a gift to earth of a new gospel. In it, Jesus really was a nobody, and a pain in the neck to a lot of people with better connections than he had. He still got to say all the lovely and puzzling things he said in the other gospels. So the people amused themselves one day by nailing him to a cross and planting the cross in the ground. There couln't possibly be any repercussions, the lynchers thought. The reader would have to think that too since the gospel hammered home again and again what a nobody Jesus was. And then, just before the nobody died, the heavens opened up, and there was thunder and lightning. The voice of God came crashing down. He told the world that he was adopting the bum as his son, giving him the full powers and privileges of the son of the creator of the universe throughout all eternity. God said this: from this moment on he will punish anybody who torments a bum who has no connections!"

If you've never read Vonnegut, I'd recommend least Sci-Fi books, Bluebeard. It's a good read for someone that doesn't think they will enjoy anything with Sci-Fi type themes.

I might as well show the pic...

So It goes...

It’s been a long time…

2007-04-02T20:56:00.000-07:00

For those of you not in the know, I work at a CPA firm as an accountant, and this is tax season. This means that I am spending entirely too much time at the office. I use my blog as a creative outlet, or a place to say whatever is on my mind. I get mentally restless a lot, especially when there’s something in the news that I want to blog about. Unfortunately a lot of my blog posts wind up in the recycle bin; a case of premature inspiration where I can’t really flesh out my thoughts.

These days my mind is occupied with sections 179, 1245, and 1250, amongst other sections of the tax code, so I don’t get as many thoughts to myself. I spend what little weekend I do have (Saturday work ftw!) vegging. Apparently work is so exhausting that I can’t summon the mental strength to play video games. Actually, It’s more that I have to watch Netflix DVD’s, so I get my money’s worth from them.

I do have some things to tell all of you though.

1. To those of you I haven’t been on contact with lately, I’m sorry, and I misses you people (<3)

2. I really enjoy Tito's Vodka. it's made in the USA by a guy named...Tito. http://www.titos-vodka.com . If the idea of enjoying vodka made by some Mexican guy upsets you, pretend it was made by Marshall Tito, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marshall_Tito the evil eastern european dictator. Tito’s vodka also made for wonderful Cape Cods http://www.drinksmixer.com/drink7286.html

3. Speaking of booze, last year the company went to a horse racing track. There was free booze, but getting a mint julep proved quite difficult. http://www.drinksmixer.com/drink5382.html . This year I shall have another mint julep, and various other drinks that will perplex the bartender.

4. Coachella is at the end of this month. Woo!

5. American TV execs generally want to air shows that they can milk for every penny. This means you typically can’t have a show that has a set number of seasons, and it also explains why Gi Joe could never defeat Cobra, and why Gilligan could never get off that fucking island. My point here is that Prison Break better fucking end.

6. And while I’m on TV, the writers of Lost hate you and raped your dog.

7. If you’ve ever been curious as to what life is like with a colostomy bag, this woman has a website with gross pictures. http://mypinkbutton.blogspot.com/

8. Finally, Tax season is over on 4/17/06. Hopefully I will have a lot more time to talk to all of you soon.

The Eye of the Beholder?

2007-02-25T15:06:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite shows in the past few years was a show on NBC called Ed. Ed was the story of Ed (Tom Cavanagh), a lawyer who had recently returned to the town where he grew up. It’s a very funny show and if they release it on DVD, I recommend that you watch it.

A side story arc followed three outcast teens at the local High School. One of these teens, Warren (The Mac Guy, Justin Long) needed a date for prom. Too bad that the girls at his school weren’t interested in him :( I mean, who wouldn't want the mac guy?! So what did Warren do? He hired an escort. The difference between an escort, and a hooker is that an escort looks better, costs more, and can actually escort you places, btw. Warren wasn’t paying for sex, he was paying for the escort part, but when The Man found out about the escort, he was arrested and put on trial.

The prosecutor put him on the stand and asked him why he had hired an escort if he had no intention of sleeping with her. His response was along the lines of women are shallow, and if he showed up to the dance with a beautiful woman then more women at his school would know that he was a good guy, and he was worth their attention. It was full of insight into the female mind. It's almost as if the guy on the stand was someone who was twice Warren's age, and had possibly been in a similar situation (I'm looking at you, writers!)

I know a few guys that say they have received more female attention when they are out with their girlfriends, but that could be dismissed as the guy displaying a better attitude, and thus being more attractive for that reason. At least that's what women say.

Imagine my amusement when I read this article in the Toronto Star (we’re a newspaper, eh!) http://www.thestar.com/Life/article/173395. The summary is this: women find a man more attractive if other women find him attractive. Also, men will dislike that man more, which explains why every attractive man in Hollywood is allegedly gay. More importantly, who knew that the episode of Seinfeld where George had the picture of Jerry’s ex in his wallet to pick up chicks was based on reality?

Warnings...

2007-02-24T18:59:00.000-08:00

In case you haven't watched any National Geographic shows about the tribes of place X in the last few years, here is a sample of the warning you may see at the beginning:

"This program contains indigenous nudity

Parental Discretion is advised"

I don't know what to say. There's so much wrong with that statement

What a Lovely Day

2007-02-18T22:16:00.000-08:00

Today was a beautiful day, which has since devolved into possible rain, but that’s okay. It was the first day in a while that was “nice” only a few clouds in the sky, and the perfect temperature. Fortunately I live in Los Angeles so the women are always dressed as if it’s the perfect weather *ahem*.

I would have liked to have been able to meet up with friends today, but since I’m an adult now, this sort of thing has to be planned since someone always has something to do. One of the disadvantages of being an adult is that you don’t see your friends as much as you like, but then again, you’re not being forced to see many of them for 5 days a week, so I guess it has its advantages. Thank God that another important part of growing up is being comfortable with yourself. I am my best entertainment.

A Pre-Superbowl Salute to America’s Heroes

2007-02-04T12:46:00.000-08:00

World Net Daily has a list of American Heroes for all of you. These brave women are all teachers, who in the line of duty felt the need to have sex with their students. If you see any of these women in the streets, make sure to salute them. Also, if you see a male teacher that has had sex with a student, be sure to prove that there is a gender disparity in the treatment of sexual abuse, including hebophilia by kicking the male teacher in the balls. BTW, let's stop referring to everything under 18 as pedophilia, kthx.

p.s. Niiiiiiiice

Fortune Cookies

2007-01-31T22:16:00.000-08:00

The day after I found out I was in the Jewish Journal, my fortune cookie said that someone is speaking well of me. The thing about all fortunes is that they have to be specific enough that you believe it’s about you, yet vague enough that it can’t ever really be wrong.

My fortune cookie today said something along the lines of “You will soon me presented with a tempting offer”. Unfortunately it didn’t tell me what to do with that offer >_<. On the off chance that this offer will come from someone I know and/or who reads this blog, make this offer pls. You never know what I will say. Now, if it’s the offer that I’m really hoping I will get, the answer is yes, so hurry up person!

The Warm and Fuzzies

2007-01-18T19:03:00.000-08:00

Imagine my surprise when my boss showed me a copy of last week’s Jewish Journal. I never imagined I’d be mentioned in there, mostly because I’m not Jewish, but also because I don’t really do much of note. In December of last year, I found a guy’s wallet, and returned it to him. This guy happened to be Rob Eschman, editor of the Jewish Journal. He gave me a reward for my deed, and briefly interviewed me over the phone for what he said might show up in a future publication. I figured it would just be a little blurb thanking the guy who found his wallet, but imagine my surprise when my boss points out that a third of a page has been devoted to a kind act. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but I’m glad Mr. Eschman is appreciative.

The warm and fuzzies are a good thing…

Communist Lies

2007-01-14T20:15:00.001-08:00

My grandmother has a number of weird quirks. Among them, she claims that the black M&M's taste too chocolately, and that the green Apple Jacks taste different. in fact, she makes a lot of judgments about the taste of foods based its color. What on Earth possesses someone to believe that? There is no way in hell that the green Apple Jacks taste different.

Christmas Wrapup

2006-12-27T18:35:00.000-08:00

Thursday night I gave my Secret Santee her gift. She seemed to enjoy it. Thanks to everyone that suggested a Nordstrom’s gift card. I got one in silver for her. I got a Borders Gift Card from my Secret Santa, and I purchased the Joy of Cooking with it. A post about cooking will come soon.

I got some good gifts from the family, and I gave some good ones too. Everyone seemed happy with them. I still spent more on myself than I did for others, but I didn’t skimp pricewise for anyone. I feel good about that.

A Special Gift

2006-12-19T22:16:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm probably the 50 billionth person to show this video to you, but still! I think this is a very romantic gift for that special young lady in your life...

Sekrit Satan

2006-12-06T23:02:00.000-08:00

I agreed to participate in Secret Santa at work. There are only two people in the office that I can’t think of a good gift for. Naturally, I got one of the two people. Before we picked at random, it was decided that each person would put down three things they are interested in on the slip of paper that had their name. This would help the Secret Santa figure out what to get. What did my person say? “Surprise me”. So much for that idea.

I’m one of those lucky people that has a gift for gifting, but it’s a talent that only works when you talk to someone a fair bit. In a worst-case scenario, there are certain “safe” gifts. These are things that work for a large number of people, but are often the sort of thing that someone doesn’t know exists, or is something that someone would never buy for themselves. Unfortunately not every safe gift works for every person, so I guess I’ll try to figure out something this weekend. Too bad popcorn on the cob is out.

I'm Behind The Times...

2006-12-04T23:28:00.000-08:00

Here are shows that I don’t watch and/or I have never seen:

Lost
Any CSI
Any Law and Order
Desperate Housewives
Grey’s Anatomy
Scrubs
ER

I only started watching 24 last year, and I’ve never seen a complete episode of Friends. I do watch TV. I’m just not watching what everyone else is watching. I also have moral opposition to any show that takes place in Orange County, CA, but that's another post.

On Remixes

2006-11-19T21:53:00.000-08:00

I wonder, do musicians get offended if a remix of their song becomes more popular, or is better than the original? It’s pointing out that you lack refinement, and that someone else can do better with your material than you. Even worse, what if the original is unlistenable?

And while we're on the subject, I'd just like to say that it takes balls to do a remix of a song that has no words. It seems that the original and remix don't sound anything alike 85% of the time when this is the case. It's a remix in name only; natures way of letting an artist piggyback on a possibly more successful song.

The New Dining Adventure

2006-11-16T20:14:00.000-08:00

It's rare that I recommend a restaurant, but seriously. We all need to go to Bob's Grill: Eat & Get The Hell Out! Best.Name.Ever, except for maybe a place called the Fuck You Grill. Too bad that doesn't exist.

Thanksgiving Tips

2006-11-12T21:38:00.000-08:00

Well, it’s almost time for Thanksgiving, so let’s talk turkey.

Turkey doesn’t have a lot of flavor on its own, but there is an easy fix: brine. Let your turkey marinate in brine overnight to 24 hours, and your turkey will have great flavor, and stay moist. Here’s a recipe: http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/recipes/recipe/0,,FOOD_9936_35141,00.html?rsrc=search

If you’re thinking about frying your turkey, remember to have a fire extinguisher on hand, and do it in an open space. Frying won’t affect the fat content much. The additional fat in frying comes from two sources: fat absorbed by the coating on the food, and fat absorbed when the food is overcooked. Moist foods do not absorb much fat, but the fat gets sucked in as the water in the food disappears. Fry foods in oil that’s preheated at least 350 degrees, and make sure it's not overcooked. Fun fact: a KFC breast the skin and coating taken off after cooking has 3 grams of fat. With the skin and coating, there are 19 grams of fat.

Finally, the pilgrims celebrated the first thanksgiving with friends and family. If you’re not going to be with family, there’s no reason why you can’t celebrate with friends.

...oh yeah: The Butterball hotline is here for all of your holiday turkey needs. 1-800-Butterball

Honey, I Think We Need...

2006-11-09T20:26:00.000-08:00

...an HDTV. Pioneer has an article telling you how to convince your spouse to buy an HDTV. Note that they start with trying to convince a man, as if any man needs to be convinced to buy a piece of expensive electronics.

Clarity

2006-10-23T23:26:00.000-07:00

The optometrist said that my prescription hadn’t changed in the last year. Maybe my vision is finally stabilizing. That is good news, but alas, I still have astigmatism in my left eye. It’s wonderful how the doctor just doesn’t seem to care that stuff in that eye is still blurry, no matter what. I guess he's more accepting of my visual fate than I. I also got fitted for some contacts, which should be ready by Wednesday if all goes as planned. I know I’ve ranted about my glasses in the past, but rest assured, this is mostly so I can wear sunglasses without having to own prescription sunglasses.

Now, the funny thing is that this was supposed to be a post about finding clarity in life, specifically through fasting, and yet it has turned into visual clarity. Funny how these things turn out.

Writing and Drawing...

2006-10-12T22:46:00.000-07:00

First a link: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15213845/

Every so often, someone writes an article about the death of cursive handwriting. This is something that had been predicted since pc’s and printers first became widely available. Although the linked article discusses cognitive advantages to learning cursive, most supporters of cursive prefer it for elitist reasons. It’s more about the art than any practical consideration today. A proficient typist can type faster than one can either write in cursive or print, and the typist has the added benefit of a little thing called spell check- an important consideration when one realizes that misspellings are more gauche than hand printed letters, buying a used BMW, or voting for a tax increase. My penmanship was one of the two things that I always lost points for in grade school, so I’ve already shined my special metaphorical dancing shoes for when I get to dance on cursive’s grave. Good Riddance.

The other thing I always lost followed me all the way through high school: art projects. Having no artistic is a real disadvantage in grade school because the teachers all want to show off student art, especially if it contains some hint of learning. I’d like to point out that the perpetual slackers and general idiots always did better than I on these projects and yet they learned nothing. Me? I learned about the battle of Tippecanoe! Oh yeah, I also know who the President, and VP are, as well as the 3 branches of government are along with assorted other tidbits of learning.

My greatest victory came from the fact that my lack of artistic talent hasn’t hurt me in looking for a job, or anywhere in my life that I have cared about. So for all of the teachers that took off points because I didn’t write in cursive, or because it was poor, and for all of the teachers that didn’t like my art, here’s a metaphorical middle finger waving in the air at you.

Birthdayish Musings

2006-09-27T21:40:00.000-07:00

So I was at Brookstone on Sunday, just browsing with a friend. While I was in there, I noticed a woman, about 40, who appeared to be enjoying the massager chair perhaps a little too much.

Deep breaths are slightly interesting, and I wouldn’t have given her a second look except that I noticed her breathing had become short and rapid with gratuitous chest heaving. After about a minute or so, she turned off the chair and left. I just don’t know what to say. What an odd experience. Friends have told me that I should have asked her if she needed any help.

Also on Sunday, one of the Adult Swim pieces made an interesting observation. In 1986, if someone told you that in 2006, Michael Jackson would be washed up, and Weird Al would still be relevant, you’d laugh your ass off. Well, Straight Outta Lynwood was released on my birthday, September 26.

Speaking of work, work got me a strawberry cheesecake for my birthday. Cheesecake is so fucking awesome. If only I could show my gratitude (sexually) to the coworker who got it for me. Go me!

Miscellaneous Musings

2006-09-18T23:11:00.000-07:00

"Remember folks, if you’re a masochist, you deserve every bad thing that has ever happened to you."

It’s always romantic in the movies. When it happens to you in real life, it’s creepy.

Date My Mom is still a horrible, horrible show with a fantastic name.

Dog bites(wo)man is not news. (Wo)man bites dog is news.

Breaks...

2006-09-11T23:13:00.000-07:00

In honor of this news story about the woman who has allegedly won the lottery twice, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14751656/ . I think it's time to talk about breaks.

Lottery winners generally have good breaks. People who die in car accidents have bad breaks. One of the more disturbing truths about life is that a great deal of things over which you will have little or no control will have a significant impact on your life. Each of us spends a great deal of time trying to reduce the impact of these random occurrences. We buckle our seatbelts. We save money for a rainy day. Many of us move to safer neighborhoods.

In the end, there is only so much we can do with the cards we are dealt. I'm fairly lucky in most respects, but I wish there were times where I could use some sort of a cosmic karma card to cash in a break, and just have one particular event go my way, whatever that event may be. I'm not going anywhere with this observation of mine, so I think I'll go back to designing the cosmic karma card, and using more alliteration.

Apple Store Strangeness

2006-09-02T18:58:00.000-07:00

I was checking my email last weekend when I ran across an order confirmation from the Apple Store. "Ooooh, this is good!" I thought. I assumed this was my first spam using the Apple Store as bait. As I looked over it, I noticed how professional everything looked, and for a brief moment, I thought it was a Phishing expedition. The truth was starting to look more sinister though. It looked, and smelled like a genuine Apple Store Email, which could only mean that someone had broken into my Apple Store Account. DUN DUN DUN!

Except that my apple store account isn’t linked to that email account…

Wtf?

After my initial amusement and panic, I decided to settle down and get a good look at the email. The billing address wasn’t mine, and it matched the shipping address. I had never heard of Laura, but I was a bit relieved. Billing and shipping addresses generally don’t match on scams. It seemed as though there was a simple sort of computer glitch. My next course of action came to mind almost immediately. Should I cancel her order, or not... On one hand, I was very irritated and someone had to pay! On the other hand, this was probably some college woman who just wanted a cute little laptop and an iPod. I’m also a pretty nice guy, so I can’t just cancel an order if they just happened to cross email addresses. What to do, what to do...

They say that God never closes a door without opening a window, and I saw my window. I saw Laura’s phone number in the email. I decided to do an area code search, and I found that the area code matched the billing address. That was the final nail in the coffin for the fraud idea. I gave Laura a call and told her what had happened. It turned out that she ordered her stuff from the San Diego Apple Store. If you ever decide to purchase or order anything from the retail Apple Store, they can email your receipt to you instead of printing one out. Laura said she was at the Apple Store that morning to order her Macbook and iPod Nano. She gave them an email address that sounded nothing like mine, aside from having 'S' as the first letter. She thanked me for being an honest person and I ended our conversation.

My next call was to Apple to sort out this situation. I don’t think the customer rep fully understood my situation. He initially thought that someone had broken into my account. After informing him that I had no Apple Store account at that address, and that she had made the order via the retail Apple Store, he got a better handle on things. This was a first for him and a first for me. I told him that I’d be happy if they didn’t send me any more of her emails. He agreed to take care of it.

I hope Laura is enjoying her iPod nano. I received an email 3 days ago telling me that it had shipped.

Delaware: the Low Self-Esteem State

2006-08-09T22:10:00.000-07:00

Delaware likes to call itself “The First State” because it was the first state to ratify the constitution. In the 200 years since then, Delaware has accomplished nothing of note. No great writers, artists, scientists, or leaders of any kind have come out of the state. There is nothing unique about the state. It has no notable geographical features and is the second smallest state. This lack of significance in any way has affected the minds of its residents. How do I know? Well let’s talk about some of the official items of the state…

http://www.state.de.us/gic/delfacts/animal.shtml

Every state likes an official animal. An official animal should be something that state residents can be proud of.

Wow, it’s a rooster. Granted, it’s a blue rooster, but still a cock nonetheless. Other states have awesome birds like robins, cardinals, and blue-footed boobies, but Delaware is decidedly average.

This is a weakfish folks. ‘nuff said.

This is a horseshoe crab, the spawn of Satan. This unholy beast actually isn’t a crab; it’s an arachnid. It has blue blood too. Please note that this horrible creature is in a rather bland color too. What on Earth would possess a state to make such an awful choice for an official sea creature? Mediocrity, that’s what.

Finally, let me show you the official state drink:

Yep, a glass of milk, a completely unexciting glass of milk. To be fair, other states have milk as their official drink, but how many other states have a cock, and a weakfish as state animals?

I will say one good thing about Delaware: those DE people have a great sense of humor, and their state abbreviation is “DE” which is also the country abbreviation for Germany. Deutschland…err, Delaware in da haus!

My Muse Has Died...

2006-08-07T21:53:00.000-07:00

Well not really, but I'm lacking in inspiration at the moment. I've even managed to watch a few things, and have had a few experiences that make me feel that I should blog, but nothing is happening at the moment. Oh well...

Lyrics

2006-07-24T21:42:00.000-07:00

The church (Catholic, silly) once feared that the lyrical content of any hymn would be ignored in favor of the sounds coming from the instruments. Even to this day, musicians have the same complaint. Some of them choose to voice their concerns in their songs. Blues Traveler's Hook is one such song. Although I'm not a musician, I can understand why a musician would get upset about this. They often work as hard, if not harder on the lyrical content to a song than they do on the instrumental portion. Even worse is when a musician writes very personal lyrics and then later comes up with the instrumental support only to find that no one seems to appreciate the lyrics. It must drive some of them nuts.

I imagine it's usually not a big problem for most musicians though. Songs with sad lyrics usually sound sad too. Songs about sunshine and lollipops usually sound like sunshine and lollipops. However, there are occasions where the feel of a song and its lyrics don't match.

I started thinking about this as I listened to one of my favorite songs. Zero7's Somersault. Sia's talents as a singer certainly aren't wasted on the track. The song has a very strong feeling of love. You certainly believe she's in love. Unfortunately the lyrical content doesn't back it up. Feeding other people's parking meters and giving your significant other a jellybean doesn't exactly prove to anyone how awesome you are. A friend pointed out that Pearl Jam's Better Man is a song about a woman who won't leave an abusive relationship. The same friend also pointed out that people at the Pearl jam concert were dancing with their boy/girlfriends to this song. That's a little bit weird. There are plenty of examples of the lyrical content not matching the feel of the song. The 70's, country music, and 70's country music are filled with them, but my favorite example comes from the 80's. The Human League's Don't You Want Me? is a favorite dance song of many, but the thing is that it's an argument between the male and female singers! Just pretend for a minute that you were at their concert and there there was no musical accompaniment and they weren't arguing to a beat. It would be very awkward for you to be there to listen to this. You'd probably start thinking of an excuse to leave!

I'm not some sort of a lyrics snob. I enjoy my bubblegum pop as well as my serious stuff with a meaning, but sometimes the inconsistency between the lyrics and the feel of a song is really fascinating. I wonder if there's a formal name for it...

Shark Week!

2006-07-16T22:36:00.000-07:00

I’ve always watched the Discovery channel. It was a much better teacher than school, and more importantly, I actually got to learn about things I was interested in. One of my great memories of the Discovery Channel was/is Shark Week. Shark Week used to be quite an event. There would be 2 months of ads always reminding you of Shark Week. It was like a national holiday in which you could celebrate the awesomeness of this group of sea dwellers. You’d see some pretty basic stuff. There was always the one show where a guy actually caught sharks with an overgrown fishing rod, and there was the ever-popular swimming with great whites from behind the safety of a shark cage. The most awesome thing about Shark Week: It was actually 2 weeks long! My little mind didn’t understand that it was because they didn’t have many programs to show, but it didn’t matter. There were motherfucking sharks on the motherfucking boat.

Shark Week these days isn’t as exciting. They don’t show that many shark-related programs during that week, and all of the excitement is gone. I can just imagine the talking heads at the Discovery Channel creaming their pants at the thought of Shark Week in the old days. They thought big. They were looking to hire that guy who does all those movie trailers. Shark Week was going to have better ratings than the moon landing. Truly, it would be the pinnacle of television programming, and the reason why aliens would visit Earth.

Shark Week is just a holdover from old times where you could actually learn something from the Discovery Channel. I’m sure that next year the only shark related programming will be a shark shaped motorcycle, and car. Gone are the youthful days of the discovery channel in which lofty idealism made young viewers such as myself believe in science and want to become scientists, and…err…other smart people. Now the Discovery Channel is a soulless wonder obsessed with making a buck right now. Now the channel encourages a generation of youth to build motorcycles and heavily modified cars. What has happened to you, Discovery Channel? You’ve sold out man, you used to be cool, but now it’s like I don’t even know you any more.

Da Funk

2006-07-16T21:18:00.000-07:00

Not as much a complaint as a bit of advice. I went to Beverages and More today because I needed a cork for my bottle of mead, and also because I’ve never been and I wanted to possibly get some sodas. I understand that Saturdays are a big party night. I also understand that liquor stores are not known for employing the most upstanding of citizens. However, I really think that smells that come off of a liquor store employee should be limited to booze and cigarettes. Thus if you smell like you haven’t showered for a week, you should really reconsider coming in for work. Also, I’d understand the funk coming off of you a little more if you had actually gone to that party you said happened last night. I wonder what you were doing. It certainly wasn’t anything like showering.

I did find my cork and I also bought some glasses, apple, and pear ciders. I keep trying to find drinks I enjoy, but aside from the Mint Julep, I’ve been unsuccessful. My problem is that I’m very, very sensitive to the taste of alcohol. Maybe it’s just me, but I think apple cider tastes a bit like beer…

An Overactive Imagination

2006-07-13T21:36:00.000-07:00

So I once had the idea that I would convince my friend’s family that he was a cross dresser. This plan was brilliant and absolutely hilarious, Unfortunately it never came together for a couple of reasons that I won’t get in to because the person would immediately recognize that the plan was directed towards him. The problem is that this plan is so funny that just thinking about is makes me burst into laughter, often at inappropriate moments. My coworkers probably think I’m crazy now or something…

Terror at 20,000 Feet

2006-07-12T21:22:00.000-07:00

Inspired by (Stolen from) Hueblur...

Gremlin on a plane!

There is a gremlin on this plane!

I want this motherfucking gremlin off this motherfucking plane!

The Bathroom

2006-06-25T23:05:00.000-07:00

The problems with humanity are best exemplified in the public, and semi public bathrooms of the US. The horrors seen in these places are comparable to assault, murder, and even genocide.

Most people who use the bathroom are both physically, and emotionally healthy individuals attempting to go through the motions (pun intended). However, there is a certain percentage of the population that see the bathroom, and its potential for anonymous mayhem as a gift from the Gods. They yearn to be evil. They yearn to unleash the beast within all over the floor, walls, and pretty much everywhere except the intended receptacles.

Nothing delights these people more than the ability to offend someone anonymously. Curiously, they never get to see the reaction to the destruction they have caused, but the mere thought of it is enough to fuel their twisted minds.

So what’s the problem with humanity? Well, the horrors of the bathroom tend to increase with the number of random people using them. The bathrooms in office buildings tend to be cleaner on floors where employees work. Employees know each other. They’re not anonymous. They’re well behaved for the most part. Floors that are open to the public look much worse. These people have no loyalty to each other, they’re not family, and they’re not part of a community. They’re the serial shitters.

So what do we do about it? Perhaps we should have signs in the bathroom reminding everyone that they’re part of the community. Perhaps we should do nothing. The world could always use more janitors...

Cupcakes

2006-06-19T21:43:00.000-07:00

Another fun thing about my trip to Seattle: I found The Erotic Bakery. I <3 food porn, especially when it's real porn. Behold the not work safeness!

That's made from marzipan, which is something I hate the taste of, but ladies, rest assured, I love the real thing :eyebrow:

Seattle Tidbits

2006-06-18T22:57:00.000-07:00

I just got back from vacation, and I feel the need to post about one of the many oddities I discovered. Archie McPhee sells many oddities and such, among them are postcards based on comic and novel covers from the 50's. I get the feeling that men from those times were very much in need of a good sexing. Here's a pic:

Conspiracies

2006-05-29T20:38:00.000-07:00

In honor of the recent release of The Da Vinci Code, and the renewed interest in finding Jimmy Hoffa’s Body, I feel that I should get something off my chest. All of you, please stop telling me about the secret organizations running the world, the 9/11 conspiracy, the faked moon landings, etc. It’s not that I’m not willing to believe, it’s just that all of you provide such shitty evidence. Let’s address these one at a time…

I’m not going to buy your theory about the cabal secretly running the world. Why not? Where are these people getting their power from? They probably don’t have the Infinity Trident. They certainly can’t have an army, since having one would reveal their secret, and most importantly. They can’t possibly have dirt on heads of state since heads of state can have these people y’know…killed. Until you can explain to me how some organization can secretly run the world, just stop talking about it.

Okay if you’re going to tell me that World Trade Center, and the Pentagon were attacked with bombs, show me your degree in engineering first. It’s simple really, there is an accepted explanation for those events, and some of you just don’t believe it. I really encourage you to actually know what you’re talking about before you start telling me what I need to believe.
Finally, the moon landing. Buzz Aldrin, patriot, asskicker, really doesn’t like it when you try to deny his accomplishment. Do you really want to get punched in the face by a senior citizen astronaut? I didn’t think so! Here’s a site that addresses the moon landing stuff btw http://www.badastronomy.com/bad/tv/foxapollo.html Now please folks, just stop talking to me about these things.

I Hate Amber and Her Alerts!

2006-05-25T22:36:00.000-07:00

The USPS has decided to unveil an Amber Alert stamp: http://www.tribune-chronicle.com/community/articles.asp?articleID=4229

For those of you who don’t know, an Amber Alert is when the entire world stops because a child was abducted. Y’see, we care so much about children that we had decided that when a child is abducted, all of the freeways with programmable signs will tell everyone to be on the lookout for an auto with some child in it. We have also decided to interrupt my television shows to tell me about this fucking abduction. Yes, I’m sure that if I see a white van with license plate CHILDPREDATOR in my living room, I will call the cops. You sure are helping to save a lot of kids by telling me to look for a van in my living room.

I’d also like to point out that this is the only crime for which we do this sort of thing. No Adult Amber Alerts, no lookout for murders. Hell, even terror alerts don’t pre-empt my favorite tv! In conclusion, leave the children behind, and keep them off my TV.

Weddings

2006-05-20T08:50:00.000-07:00

It’s been a long time since I posted. I blame the economy.

Weddings are an interesting thing. I understand why people don’t like going to weddings. It seems that the stereotypical American wedding is filled with ritual designed to bore the crap out of everyone but the person getting married. This includes the reception, which seems always has crappy music, or uptight people, or both. But it’s very difficult to get out of going to one since you’re essentially being invited to share in the happiest moment of someone’s life (except for when they sign the divorce papers in a couple of years).

So I went to a wedding last night, and I think I should share some observations with y’all:

You will save money by having your wedding on Friday, and you will also filter out people whom you only sent invitations to out of obligation.
You can tell how much the bride cares about her guests by the quality of the food served at the reception. The food last night was great and plentiful, so the bride had some actual concern about her guests. When there is little food and it’s crappy, the bride hate you and everyone else in attendance, or she’s selfish.
The uglier the wedding cake, the better it tastes. Don’t buy a wedding cake because it looks nice.
Side boob is always fun to look at, and there’s plenty of it at weddings.
Your guests will never…ever care as much about your wedding as much as you do.
Consider having a cash bar if your guests can’t control themselves around good, free alcohol.
Weddings are like Spanish Fly for single women. You will get to dance with plenty of women around your own age, if you want to but…
Consider breaking a leg when the drunken 60-year-old coworker wants to dance with you.
Just smile and wish to die when a slow song comes on and she starts holding you very, very tightly.

So it was a somewhat strange experience, but a fun time was had by all, I suppose...

Wouldn't It Be Great If...

2006-04-22T14:48:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't it be great if Bunnicula or Count Duckula captured the Veggie Tales characters and sucked their blood, leaving nothing but dead and dried remains?

It Puts The Lotion On Its Skin...

2006-04-04T22:18:00.000-07:00

One of my friends believes that I’m a closet metrosexual and she’s right, if only because I put lotion in my arms and hands every day. It’s not so much because I care about my skin being soft and smooth as it is about me having a dependence on it. You can’t stop putting it on lotion once you start.

Unfortunately, I’ve had a lot of trouble finding Fruit of the Earth Aloe Vera Lotion recently. Thus my quest for new lotion began. I searched the lotion aisle high and low for an acceptable solution, and while I have not found a replacement, I did run across a skin care product so fantastic that I feel the need to write about it: Corn Husker’s Lotion.

It was made for corn huskers (surprise!), which I’m told is a profession in which you remove the husks from ears of corn. Knowing this fact, I proceeded to down a shot of it based on the assumption that anyone who has ever removed the husks from corn for pay needs a drink, or seven. Much to my disappointment, there is no alcohol in this lotion.

While I was doing research to find out if I was going to die because of the poorly thought out shot I had, I found numerous recommendations for this lotion. Corn Husker’s lotion is the best lotion you can buy if you have dry, cracked skin. It’s a manly lotion. It smells sorta mediciney, and the bottle just screams Pure, unadulterated MAN. This is the lotion that they would have used in Brokeback Mountain if the cowboys weren’t gay. And don’t any of you even dare to make a lube joke. This is a high-class journal, and I will not tolerate degenerate humor.

As fantastic as Corn Husker’s Lotion is, there is one problem with it. In the interest of brevity, and since a picture is worth a thousand words, I’m going to let the lotion speak for itself with 4,000 words:

A Rant Deferred

2006-03-18T20:51:00.000-08:00

So I'm halfway through a rant about two women who are asking for handouts for free boob jobs, when I realize that it's just not going to work as a rant. Lauren is a young woman who wants you to give her money so that she can get breast implants. Unfortunately, Michel beat her to that idea. It's just not going to work as a rant because while Michel was a spoiled brat of a woman who wanted money because she was so awesome, Lauren actually has some content on her damned site.

Instead, I'm going to turn this into a rant about plastic surgeons. I'm conflicted about plastic surgery. Here is an LA Times article about women who are insecure about the look of their vulvas http://www.latimes.com/features/health/la-he-rejuvenate13mar13,0,517673.story. Since this is an LA times article and will eventually become available only via subscription, I will summarize: some women are insecure about the look of their vulvas, and will pay to have them look different, more like a porn star's. I can understand helping women in their quest to become more secure about themselves, but really! No one cares what a woman looks like down there, as long as she doesn't have teeth. And another thing: Why can implants be put in without a scar, but a breast reduction still leaves gigantic scars?

Not all things plastic surgeons do are questionable. Operation Smile is dedicated to providing free surgery to youth with facial deformities. Michel for her boob job, but if you're thinking about giving Lauren some money, donate to Operation Smile instead. They could use it more.

About My Girlfriend...

2006-03-15T20:16:00.000-08:00

I’m occasionally humbled by the insight a total stranger can have into my life, and my family. One such occurrence happened last month.

My grandmother recently started telling everyone about the woman I’m dating. Unfortunately, I’m not dating anyone. She was referring to a lovely young woman who is my friend and nothing more. This woman had come over to watch a DVD, so we were in my room for several hours. Using my Uncle as a baseline, my grandmother assumed I’m having sex with her, since my Uncle doesn’t have any female friends; just women he has had, or wants to have sex with.

This is not the first time she has assumed I have a girlfriend. On the rare occasions when a woman has called and asked for me, she assumed it was my girlfriend. On one occasion, she told me that my girlfriend had called while I was out. I tried to explain the problem with this to her, but she said “you don’t have to lie to me, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.” In family relations, few things are more frustrating than when family members believe lies, but think you’re lying about the truth.

So we had a discussion about how I’m not hiding women from her, and how when I get a girlfriend she will know immediately. This conversation ended with her snapping at me and saying “Fine, I won’t tell people you have a girlfriend.” So I was frustrated that my conversation was for nothing. She was now more firmly convinced that I had a girlfriend, and I was hiding her.

That’s what I thought until someone on the interweb pointed me to the possibility that she wants me to have a girlfriend because she thinks it will make me happy. Funny how some random person can change your perspective on things.

False Advertising

2006-03-08T20:44:00.000-08:00

When I decide to pass a VW New Beetle with a license plate holder that says "Proud 2b black" and a vanity license plate that says "BLK BUTY," I have certain expectations about the driver. One of them is that the driver isn't some little old Russian lady. Go figure...

The Strut

2006-03-05T18:29:00.000-08:00

I always have trouble with those quizzes that determine what your personality is like. Why? Because they always have a question along the lines of “I’m happiest when _______ .“ I’m rarely any good at answering that. It’s a tough question, but I think that if a random person had to answer that question for me based only on observing me, the answer would be I’m happiest when I’m walking around. I don’t know if it’s entirely true, but there’s strong evidence for it. I like walking around. It’s a chance to see more of the world. It’s a chance to people watch. It’s a chance to see important events.

So yeah, I’m pretty excited when I’m walking around. I have a pretty fast-paced walking style as well. It’s the New York in me. I’m not walking anywhere in particular, except to wherever the next interesting thing is. Perhaps I’m walking so fast because I’m worried that I’m missing out on something.

I do a lot of my walking alone. A lot of people don’t see the merit in walking, and that’s fine by me. It gives me more opportunities to ponder all things ponderable, and think about my life in general. Walking by myself gives me a chance to reflect to various amusing things. So finally, some 3 paragraphs into the post, I’ve managed to segue into what this post is really about.

I was walking down the street with my head held high and a smile on my face because I was thinking about The Last Dragon If you’ve ever seen it, you know why I was smiling. My smile is more like a suppressed laugh btw. An older woman, in her late 20’s was walking towards me. So as we got closer, she pulled down her sunglasses so I could see her eyes, and then she gave me an over the top wink. It wasn’t the first time a woman as winked at me while I was doing The Strut. The Strut has a strong positive effect on American women in their late 20’s and older. The Strut has little effect on younger women.

This has always been the case. I started noticing the effects of The Strut when I was about 16, and it’s always women in their late 20’s and up. For some reason, The Strut intimidates younger women. I’ve noticed more than a few put their heads down and try to rush past me. I like to pretend that I know it’s because younger women don’t appreciate the sheer awesomeness of the strut, but truthfully, I have no idea why. It’s one of those things I guess I’ll never really understand…

Adventures on TV

2006-02-26T18:24:00.000-08:00

I like to browse the Comcast On Demand programs once in a while. They have a lineup of programs which they call “The Cutting Edge.” The name would lead you to believe that the programs offered as part of The Cutting Edge lineup are innovative, high quality, entertaining programs that perhaps are ahead of their time, but will definitely be appreciated in the future. That would be true if the people who selected the programs actually found them in any way entertaining, or of a high quality. Unfortunately the people who select the programs for The Cutting Edge have these 4 criteria: 1. Do I hate it? 2. Do Other People Like it? 3. Is it Weird? 4. Do Most People Not Know It Exists? A Yes to all 4 of those questions means a show is a candidate for joining a very confusing lineup of shows.

Among these shows is a sublineup called “Retro Erotica.” With a name like that, how could I possibly pass up a chance to watch? So I hit the info button for the first title, Nature Girls, and was immediately hit by some mixed news. The good news: it’s a free title, so I won’t have to pay to see it. The Bad news: It’s free, so it’s probably not very good. Then I read the summary: “Two Glamour Girls answer the call of nature by sharing a quick picnic, giving each other massages and then bask in the sunshine! Life should always be this simple. Don’t forget the sunscreen.” Hmm? I pressed play.

A movie from 1952. Y’know how all of the movies from the 1950’s have the same voice over guy who tells you not to do drugs, or to duck and cover? Well, he narrates this movie with OBVIOUS SEXUAL INNUENDO, and even worse, he talks ALL THE TIME. Pervs today wouldn’t tolerate that crap.

I had to put this picture here because I need a setup for the next picture. This is the first woman. We will see her with another woman doing fairly normal things like what you see in the next picture. Also note that the rating in the upper left hand corner is a complete and utter lie. What you see in this is no worse than you could see in a PG-13 movie.

WTF? That’s a garden hoe in her hands, and she’s going to dig up a carrot to eat during the picnic. It's a bad sign when you see a woman doing something completely normal with no sexual overtones to it. Oh yeah, the announcer says this gem of a line: “Dig deep into the virgin ground” and he says it in the least perverted way you could say anything. He says it the same way you would imagine someone telling a xmas story would say “and little Timmy did get his bike for Christmas!” This guy is the best pervert…ever. Every dirty thing sounds better when he’s saying it. I bet he’s related to Milkman Dan

The good stuff. The summary claims massaging, but it’s more accurate to say applying tanning lotion. The woman lying down removed her top, and there was a .5 second Janet Jackson moment, but I’m the only person in America who saw it because I’m the only person has ever seen this thing. After each girl was nice and tan, they did the next logical thing to do. They stretched.

People used to pray to the sun god, and they believed that they could have visions if they prayed enough. Now we know those “visions” are caused when the melanoma jumps to the brain. Trust me, I’m a history guy. The sun god told me so.

That pretty much sums up this movie. It’s two women eating, rubbing suntan lotion on each other, and then stretching, all in the least erotic way imaginable. I’m glad I didn’t pay for it because then I’d have to ask for my money back.

Because I'm About to Puke

2006-02-23T23:05:00.000-08:00

I was just watching I love the 80's Strikes Back on VH1, and they talked about the remake of The Fly. It's definitely a movie you want to watch, and vomit to. I feel a little sick just thinking about it...

Chocolate, Bacon, Cheese, and Guns

2006-02-19T17:46:00.000-08:00

I subscribe to the theory that either bacon, chocolate, or cheese can be added to any dish to make it taste better. Think of any dish, and there isn't any possible way that one of those 3 items won't make it better.

A long time ago, someone decided that shooting enhanced every sport, thus the second weirdest Winter Olympics game, the biathlon, was born. The biathlon is a combination of skiing and shooting, and it's every bit as odd as it sounds.

The Biathlon goes something like this: first you do some cross-country skiing, then you stop and shoot a rifle at a target 50m away. Ski some more, shoot some more, ski some more, and then stop when you realize that you're actually in a contest comprised of skiing and shooting, but not at the same time. And that's the real problem with the biathlon; it seems so forced. 500m freestyle swimming and archery makes as much sense.

Another skiing event would make it much better. In my perfect world, the biathlon would involve the ski jump. You would have the shoot targets on the way down, and each hit would add additional feet to your final jump score. After you landed, you would mock the people who came up with the idea of cross-country skiing and shooting as an Olympic sport, and have a nice hot cup of chocolate with cheese and bacon in it.

Almost Anything Can Be Funny

2006-02-19T17:05:00.000-08:00

The Smoking Gun is a great site to learn all about the real winners in society. One such winner is a man by the name of Travis Frey. He presented hiw wife with a contract dictating what she could and couldn't do. I'm with TSG's sentiment that there are too many highlights to really do it justice. Personally, I could never marry a woman who would let me seriously present this to her. What can I say? I have to respect the woman I marry. http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0217062contract1.html

For the more morbid among you, here is a list of unusual deaths:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_unusual_deaths

Yay! A Card!

2006-02-15T21:42:00.000-08:00

I did get one card for Valentine's day...

Dino Stickers are hot!

Regrets in Retrospect

2006-02-13T23:45:00.000-08:00

It’s the little things in life that I regret- the things that mean both a lot and a little at the same time. Big things set your life on a whole new vector. The little things fine-tune the direction.

It was two years ago, and we had a couple of dates. I wasn’t anything worthy of consideration as serious, or even slightly committed. It was however, fun. She told me she was moving well before she told me she was interested. Fortunately, a part of myself told me to live for the moment, and I did. I don’t regret that. I didn’t regret the kiss or our last spoken words then, and I don’t regret them now, but I do wish they were better. It was almost as if I would be seeing her later in the week.

Perhaps it’s better that it ended that way. Formal endings, finality, imply major significance of the events. Finality is for major turning points, but even the slightest change can cause great shifts given enough time…

Y’know, I only have a problem with it now. I think that means I did a good thing. It was ever so small a change, and most important of all, it was fun.

Just in time for SAD

2006-02-13T20:03:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is Single’s Awareness Day, so in the spirit of this holiday, here are some interesting news stories…

The first is about mentally disabled adults looking for love http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11333040/

If you and your SO are both thinking “I love you, but you need some work” perhaps couples plastic surgery is for you http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11330655/

And finally, the Fair Isaac Corp, the corporation that created the formula that determines your FICO score, has released a study that shows that women prefer a guy with a steady job. http://www.latimes.com/business/la-021306love_lat,0,383892.story?coll=la-home-headlines

The Canine Menace

2006-02-12T19:50:00.000-08:00

I was in a store the other day, and there was a woman in there with a dog on a leash. I looked around searching for chew toys, dried pig ears, or pretty much anything that would indicate that I was in fact, in a pet store. Alas, I found naught but video games and screaming kids, indicating that I was in ye olde videogamme store. I made sure to check the signs outside as I left, and sure enough, it prohibited pets except for Seeing Eye dogs.

Stores generally don’t allow dogs for a few reasons. They don’t want dogs using the store as their personal bathrooms of course, and they don’t want pet dander stirring up anyone’s allergies if they can help it, but they’re also concerned about the unpredictability of animals. If there’s a loud noise, or if some person who isn’t paying attention steps on the dog’s tail, that dog may go apeshit because that’s what dogs, and other animals do.

I don’t mind dogs, but I sometimes hate their owners. Some dog owners don’t seem to realize that they are responsible for the actions of their dogs. Yes, you have to clean up your dog’s poop, and if your dog bites someone, you’re going to have to be the one to pay. Animal owners used to be content in having to tie their dogs, cats, komodo dragons, and other assorted animals up outside, but then some broad messed it up.

Ever found a facial expression that really works for you in pictures?

One day, a spoiled woman by the name of Paris Hilton decided that she needed a fashion accessory. She found the cutest little dog and decided that this was the perfect thing to take everywhere with her. She decided that it was perfectly cool to take her cute little dog with her into any store if she carried it in her arms. Impressionable women all over America decided this was the cool thing to do, and now you see women with toy dogs in one arm, and a purse in the other. Sometimes they have large purses with toy dogs in them.

Dogs are not fashion accessories. In fact, no living animal is. A dog kept as a fashion accessory won’t be trained, and a lot of toy dogs are high-strung. This means that they can cause a lot of trouble inside of a store. A hyper kid is going to try to play with one of these dogs and get a face ripped off! Being attacked by a Yorkshire Terrier, or a Chihuahua is not something you want people knowing about. Even trained, mellow dogs can be a problem under the right circumstances, and it would suck if one started running through a store knocking over cans, eating people, etc. Worst of all, you just know that the owner of a dog that goes apeshit in a store will refuse to take responsibility for the dog’s actions.

So in conclusion, Paris Hilton is a skanky ho (ha! Cheal shot!), and keep your pets outside, unless it’s a parrot because pirate-related paraphernalia rocks.

A Guy Post...

2006-02-07T21:41:00.000-08:00

Few things are more embarassing than wearing a pair of pants which reveal which side you dress to >_<

On Abortions

2006-01-31T23:20:00.000-08:00

Two different federal circuit courts ruled today that a federal law banning “Partial birth” abortions was unconstitutional because it provided no exception for instances where a woman’s is in danger. The justice department will be appealing the ruling.

I was more strongly opposed to abortions before I went to college. We were required to take “diversity courses” These are courses that are designed to introduce you to different perspectives on various subjects. I was introduced to a feminist argument for abortion in one of these classes. The simplified argument is that denying a woman access to an abortion effectively makes her a slave to the fetus inside her. It’s a good argument because it doesn’t require that the fetus have any particular status. It’s also more well thought out than the My Body, My Choice argument, which fails because we don’t let people do whatever they please with their own bodies.

So, if you believe a fetus is a person and support the ban on partial birth abortions even in cases where the woman’s life is in danger, you’d have to be opposed to self-defense as well. I wonder why this argument isn’t the one being presented most often. Maybe it’s too long to fit on a sign.

I Got This Shirt from a Hobo!

2006-01-29T20:43:00.000-08:00

My grandmother is from a different era (she’s 92!). In her day, men my age wore dress shirts and pants everywhere. Needless to say, this is my day, and I don’t dress like that. Naturally, my grandmother absolutely hates this.

I’m not a huge fan of dressing up for a few reasons. The shoes just aren’t anywhere near as comfy as my Nikes, or pretty much any athletic shoe, amongst other things, but Business Casual is the order of the day everywhere I have worked, so chances are good that if you see me on Monday-Friday between 7am and 6pm, I’ll be wearing a dress shirt, some nice pants, and some nice shoes. Perhaps a tie, but usually not. I like how I look in these clothes, as do other people, but I find that it’s both restricting, and less comfortable than my normal wear.

My grandmother says dressing well will attract women. I’m not entirely sure about that. There have been a few occasions where I have noticed women checking me out when I’m coming from work, but there have also been times where I have noticed women looking at me just because I’m have a huge smile on my face. I wouldn’t be interested in a woman that is interested in me only because of the way I dress. Stereotypes are a bad thing.

Anyway, the other reason I don't like dressing up is that much of the attention I get when I’m dressed that way is the wrong kind of attention. A neighbor of mine whom I have never talked to took one look at my attire and decided that I’m the perfect person to sell his firm’s services to. I doubt he would have talked to me under other circumstances. Another, and an especially nosy neighbor of mine wanted to know my entire life story post graduating college. I could almost excuse her behavior; I think her son is about my age, and hasn’t made any effort towards getting a job. The reason I won’t completely excuse her is that she wanted to know exactly how much money I was making at my last job. That’s not an appropriate question.

So I guess that being dressed nicely means that there’s something going on with me that people need to be a part of. Perhaps I should just wear my fantasy shirt that reads “The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread!”

Debbie Does Judge Wapner?!?!?

2006-01-21T20:43:00.000-08:00

Like all of the great thinkers, I do my best thinking on the great throne of porcelain. This morning I was humming the theme to Debbie Does Dallas when I came to the realization that it bears a striking similarity to the theme for the People’s Court. The first four notes are identical, but the People’s Court Theme is most closely identified with these notes. Perhaps Debbie gave up her dream of becoming a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader and became a law clerk...

Here are some samples:

Debbie Does Dallas

The People's Court

A Real Winner

2006-01-14T19:10:00.000-08:00

I'm reading The Best American Nonrequired Reading 2005. It's a collection of short stories, essays and such selected by High School Students. One of the short stories features a man in his late 20's who has won Free Burgers for Life. Oddly enough, that's the title of the story as well.

In a memorable moment, he confronts the High School senior he was once dating, but who is now ignoring him, and he says this gem of a line:

"You didn't even congratulate me on winning the contest. Free burgers for life. For life. You know what that means? I can take you out anytime you want. you can even get something over the five-dollar value and I'll pay the difference."

Beauty and the Geek

2006-01-12T22:03:00.000-08:00

I'm excited. Beauty and the Geek season 2 has started. The premise of the show is 7 geek guys meet 7 attractive, intelligent women. They are supposed to pair up and learn things from each other. The women gain knowledge, the men gain skills. The advertising for the first season emphasized the romantic aspect wuite a bit more than this season. I suspect that has to do with the very limited romance that happened in the first season.

I like the show because it portrays geeks in a positive way, unlike most tv shows and movies. The women learn that the geeks are normal human beings. We all have things we like, and dislike. The difference between the geeks, and the so-called normal people isn't much. It's a difference in interests mostly. I'm working on a post about geeks and dating, but that's for the weekend.

Both seasons started off the same way. Each geek introduced himself to all of the women who claimed the geek they wanted. Not unlike real life, actually. Let's meet some of the contestants...

Ankur is a pompus ass. He said since he was the most attractive man, the most intelligent woman would pick him. He makes all geeks look bad, since he's the kind of person who needs to tell everyone that he can't tolerate stupid people. I wish bad things on him.

The black woman, Jennipher picked him. She liked his duct tape bowtie. If this were a reality dating show, they would both be the second to go. No one wants to eliminate the minorities first out of fear of looking racist, so they always eliminate another person first. Asian women are excluded from this rule.

Josh has Generalized Anxiety Disorder. He probably came on the show as a way to work through his fears. Each of pairs of people sleep in the same room in two single beds pushed together. Josh was so uncomfortable with this arrangement that he slept in a closet. The cynic in me wished that his partner would have mocked him for this behavior.

There's a saying that humor is a sign of intelligence. Meet Chris. He showed the girls a greeting card he made to give a woman who has cheated on you.

On the outside, "I hope you're happy :) "
On the inside: "Because you ruined my life, Bitch :( "

The women were horrified. Later in the show, he won the ability to switch up any of the teams. He became a prick on a power trip.

At one point, Josh remarked that he would trade some of his intelligence for the abilitt yo be more social. I know a number of people that feel the same way. That's all for now. I hope this season is very entertaining.

I Nearly Married A Human...

2006-01-03T19:59:00.000-08:00

So let’s say you work in a special effects shop. Your specialty is dead bodies. Years you have produced a number of high-quality dummies for use in various fields from TV and movies, to the medical field over the years. One day a coworker jokes that a female dummy would make some great *ahem* late night accompaniment, and you should start selling them.

You’re always in for a laugh, but you know how much high quality dummies cost. No one is going to buy one of your dolls for late night entertainment. At $5,000 a piece, you figure that there’s only one group of people who would be willing to buy an anatomically correct full size, realistic female doll- rich people who love to play dirty practical jokes.

That’s the story I like to tell myself about the origins of the realdoll. It may not be true, but I sleep a little better at night believing it. For those of you not in the know, a realdoll is an anatomically correct life-sized doll that can be custom made to your specifications. I like to believe that no one, no matter how wealthy would purchase this thing as anything other than a joke. Unfortunately I come across sites like this one Ginger Brookes Realdoll Page that ruin my delusion.

That’s one of several websites created by fans of the realdoll. Unfortunately I can’t find the website for the guy who had the night elf realdoll made. This website, and the others like it show a number of similarities. The doll itself takes on human characteristics in the eyes of the owner. The owner gives the doll a name, and the owner expresses a certain disdain for humans in general. I don’t have anything particularly nasty to say about people who own real dolls as a substitute for a living companion. These are people who have had bad experiences with humans. It’s only natural that they would want to avoid having these problems in the future, but no matter how you cut it, this stuff is disturbing.

For all the Subs

2005-12-26T18:22:00.000-08:00

Here's a video for all the Subs out there. http://www.nubixkube.com/vdacoustic.mpg The video isn't dirty, but the lyrics are. Very funny actually.

Maury Madness

2005-12-21T13:16:00.000-08:00

Today's Maury Povich Show was about people who are complete opposites and are in love. Here are some highlights...

The first couple is a 37 year old man and a 77 year old burlesque dancer. They had to blur her bum because...well, I can't think it, much less type it.

This is the straight laced businessman who is married to a stripper. There was another couple like this, except the man was younger, and the women had even larger breasts.

The picture says almost everything. What the picture doesn't show is the thrusting motion Brian made while telling the audience that his girlfriend was good in bed.

Another photo of the happy couple...

There were plenty of other couples, but I didnt start watching in time to capture them. Lots of interracial couples with one person around 4ft tall. That's not that special though.

Happy Oatmeal Muffin Day!

2005-12-19T16:46:00.000-08:00

In my search for a National Corn Month, I came across a site that has all of the agriculture-related days/months each year. Today is Oatmeal Muffin Day. Tomorrow is both National Hamburger day, and National French Fried Shrimp day. Check it out: http://www.ageducate.org/news/calendar.html

Camping

2005-12-18T16:19:00.000-08:00

In the days before the Internet and the stranglehold that Ticketmaster would eventually put on concert music, people had to wait in line for tickets to any event. The closest we come these days is waiting in line to get the Hot New Videogame Console™

The earliest of the early adopters have always been prone to waiting in line to get their systems at midnight, but most people were content to know that they would get the new toy sometime in the weeks before Christmas. However, things changed as things are prone to doing, and demand has far outpaced supply with the release of the PS2 a few years ago, and the Xbox 360 this year.

A few people have pointed out that anywhere between 5-10% of all units available at the launch of the system have wound up on EBay. There were approximately 36,000 units on EBay the first week, and ~15,000 units per week in the weeks since. The going rate seems to be ~$200 more than retail value of the system plus the cost of included accessories (it was higher in the first two weeks). I’m making the bold prediction that there will be a significant price drop the week after Christmas, but EBay is the best bet for anyone looking to be a hero this holiday season. The Ebay Phenomenon is worthy of being in some Grad Student’s thesis. I’d like to read that some day…

All this talk of profit really gets me hot, so being the good little capitalist that I am, I decided I would obtain a system to sell on Ebay. In the past weeks, I tried a number of stores in the hopes of stumbling upon one. At one store, I found that I was a day late. At another, I was behind the person who purchased the last one. Sometimes luck isn’t with me.

Best Buy employees had been telling everyone that they would be selling their second shipment today. Internet rumors said that the stores in my area would be receiving 65 units, so I decided to camp out in the hopes of obtaining the system. I’ve never camped out for anything before, so I thought this would be a fun little adventure.

My initial plan was to arrive at 5am and wait for 3 hours however, around 2:30am I decided that I should leave immediately. I arrived at 3:15 and saw a lot of sleeping bags on the ground with a lot of people huddled over for warmth. It looked more like a gathering of the homeless than people who had $400 in their pockets to burn on Christmas. I was the 70th person in line, but I was still optimistic because several people were in line with their children, and a few people appeared to be there to accompany friends.

So I had a few hours to kill. I whipped out the iPod and decided that Beethoven’s 9th symphony would be the perfect starting music for my wait. I also pulled out my PSP. I figured that I might as well get some use out of it. Unfortunately there was no power. I guess I should have recharged it. I stuffed it back in my hoodie pocket and thought about going to sleep.

After a few minutes, a guy walked by and thanked the people in front of him for holding his spot while he went to his car. He opened up a plastic container to reveal a pumpkin pie which he offered to the woman who saved his spot, and to me as well. I’ve never been offered pie by a stranger.

I spent the next few hours enduring the cold waiting in line for what ultimately turned out to be nothing. I may or may not try to get one to sell. I’m not interested in getting one for myself though. I already got myself a Christmas present at the store where I just missed getting one, and no, it wasn’t in any way video game related.

Screw The Kids!

2005-12-04T20:23:00.000-08:00

I am sick and tired of censorship in the name of protecting the children. You’re a parent! Your job is to protect your kids from the evils of the world while making sure you’re not inconveniencing us adults! You should take your brat out of the theater/grocery store/restaurant when they get fussy! Don’t like it when your kid sees boobs on TV? 1. Grow up. Your kid isn’t going to be harmed. 2. Change the channel. If nothing on TVs safe, sell the TV. Simple Concept!

Because Every Post Can't Be Gold...

2005-11-26T17:39:00.000-08:00

This is a funny scene from Cartoon Network's show Robot Chicken. On a related note, I will be watching You Got Served before Xmas. Yes, I love pain.

Konfabulator is a program that allows you to see all sorts of information on your desktop at any time. I currently have it set to show me the weather, but with the plugins that are available, you can make it show just about anything.

So My Grandmother Thinks I'm Trying to Poison Her...

2005-11-15T21:36:00.000-08:00

A brief reenactment of a few scenes from a few weeks ago:

Scene 1, the kitchen:

Grandmother: *screaming from the kitchen* BLOODY MURDER! BLOODY MURDER!

Me: What’s wrong?

Grandmother: The sugar won’t come out of the container.

*Note* we have one of those diner-style sugar container dealies

Me: Lemme take a look at it *tries pouring sugar and fails*

Me: hmm… *unscrews cap expecting to find hard sugar*

Me: This sugar is…sorta sludge-like. If you want to use it, just use a spoon to dig it out. I’ll figure it out in the morning

*grandmother screws cap back on and proceeds to attempt to pour sugar*

Grandmother: Why isn’t it pouring?

Me: I don’t know. In the meantime, just unscrew the cap again and pour it out, I’ll figure something out tonight.

*Grandmother unscrews cap and pours sugar*

Scene 2, the bedroom in which I bitch to people on AIM about why the world nearly ended:

Me: The sugar is getting hard. Got any recommendations?

Friend: Put rice in the sugar. That will dry it out.

Me: Really? I will try that. *goes to the kitchen, gets paper towels, puts rice in said towels, wraps neatly and inserts in sugar containers.*

Scene 3, the next day:

Grandmother: *panicked* Did you…did you put something in the sugar?!?!?!?!?

Me: Yes?

Grandmother: *panicked* what was it?!?!? Rice? It looked like rice, but I didn’t know what it was, or who put it there, so I threw it out. I dunno…

Me: the rice was supposed to dry the sugar. It’s been kinda humid lately. That’s why I put it in paper towels, and put it in there; to dry it out.

Grandmother: Well, I didn’t know how it got in there

Me: How could it have gotten in there if I didn’t put it in there? It was neatly wrapped in paper towels and conspicuously placed.

Grandmother: Well, I didn’t know what it was…

Me: …you know I love you right? I’m your grandson…

Grandmother: I know…

Nerdity vol. 1: From Origins to Definitions

2005-11-12T21:56:00.000-08:00

Origins…

At some point in time, the US became hostile towards Math, and the natural sciences. Some suggest origins as early as the time of the Scopes trial in which John Scopes was convicted of teaching evolution- a crime under the laws of Tennessee. Others claim a somewhat later origin, sometime after WW2. Whatever the exact origins, interest in math and the natural sciences wasn’t cool.

Extroverted students who were good in math and the sciences were encouraged to stay away from these fields and instead use their skills in more respectable fields, such as medicine, law, and politics. Scientists and mathematicians were supposed to be secluded individuals who would seldom speak to anyone. As often happens, the stereotype became self-perpetuating. Intelligent extroverts believed that they couldn’t find pleasure in the natural sciences and mathematics, and intelligent introverts believed they couldn’t function in any sort of field where they might have to talk to anyone.

Definitions…

I’ve narrowly described the nerd. There are plenty of intelligent people who may also find themselves labeled as nerds because they find themselves the victims of general anti-intellectualism. It all depends on the circumstances. Theater geeks, band geeks, pretty much anyone who shows talent with something even vaguely intellectual may find themselves with the label. The stereotype is very focused towards math and sciences though. Nerds are typically introverts who are interested in Math and/or the natural sciences. However, there is a great deal of discussion about whether or not introversion is a substantial part of being a nerd. The stereotype says nerds are introverted, yet there are many extroverted nerds in real life.

Parting thought:

People make a lot of assumptions about people who are interested in math and the natural sciences. It’s very odd.

Riots in France! The French Surrender to Themselves!

2005-11-06T09:37:00.000-08:00

For those of you who don’t keep up with the news, There have been riots in France for over a week now. Poor Arab and African people throughout the country have been expressing anger against the system by destroying both their, and other communities.

The incident was sparked when 2 youths running from police were electrocuted while hiding in a power station. The police deny that they were chasing the youths.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/europe/11/06/france.riots/index.html

Some hateful bloggers and newscasters have made a point of repeatedly reminding us that these people are followers of Islam in an attempt to blame the religion for the actions of the youth. The reality has little to do with their religion. Like most immigrants, the Arab and African people who came to France were looking for jobs and a better life. What they found was high unemployment and discrimination. France has enacted a number of laws aimed at undesirables. Immigration laws specifically target Arabs and people from Northern Africa. France recently enacted a law that prohibited all religious wear (head coverings, necklaces, etc) in schools. Many believe the law was intended to stop Muslim youths, like the kind who are Arab and/or from North Africa, from expressing their religion.

Much of Europe is dealing with these kinds of issues. Many people are firmly of the belief that citizens of their country should all act a certain way and engage in certain customs. This is especially true of France, which has an organization devoted to keeping the French language…French, lest it become a perverse mishmash of words from other languages, like English. Some Europeans are upset at the idea of an American custom, Halloween, becoming more popular in their countries. Many European countries have moved away from the idea of nationality by birthright, and instead towards nationality via bloodline. This makes it even more difficult for immigrant communities to become integrated, since they will always live in the country at the whim of the government.

The best way to solve this problem seems to be learning to accept people who are different. Simple to say, hard to practice…

The Halloween Post

2005-10-31T18:36:00.000-08:00

www.landoverbabtist.org is a parody religious website that has a lot of fun things. This parody hellhouse map is good for a chuckle http://www.landoverbaptist.org/hellhouse/thehouse.html as are the other halloween things here http://www.landoverbaptist.org/subjectarchive/halloween.html

...and the Europeans aren't big fans of halloween http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9827199/

Happy Halloween!

No On 73

2005-10-31T17:56:00.000-08:00

For those of you who don't know, but do care, proposition 73 on the California ballot will require parental notification for any abortion performed on a minor, with an exception made if approved by a judge. It’s a good idea on paper. No one wants their daughter to have an abortion without talking to them first. The problem is that proposition 73 only helps shitty parents who would probably disown their children for having an abortion, or giving it up for adoption. If you’re a good parent, your children will definitely tell you about such plans.

I’ve looked at some of the TV ads available on this site a pro 73 site. They promote fear in order to get parents to agree with the message. I think the appropriate counter commercials should show children being kicked out of their homes and resorting to a life of prostitution. Parents, please trust your kids to do the right thing.

Funny Scene of the Day

2005-10-26T22:17:00.000-07:00

Penn & Teller's new showtime show( Penn & Teller: Bullshit!) addresses penis enlargement, breast enhancement, and many other non body part enhancement scams such as talking to the dead, bottled water, and alien abductions.

The question Does Size Matter is answered in the Bonus features on the DVD

The man (That's a fake wang)

The woman

Look him in the eyes!

Slack-jawed yokel of the day. Would you believe he knows about UFO's?

Politically Incorrect Post 1

2005-10-17T21:17:00.000-07:00

A couple of my female coworkers had a discussion about the various, lewd hoots, and hollers (holla!) they have received over the years. They wondered why guys keep saying lewd things to them.

Politically correct, and often correct answer 1: The men who yell lewd things at women are insecure. They can take comfort in knowing that they were rejected only because of their approach and not because of any inherent character flaw.

Politically correct, and often correct answer 2: Some men are jerks.

Completely politically incorrect, but often factually correct answer: because some women react favorably to it. Yes ladies, there are some women out there fucking it up for the rest of you. Often these women are dressed provocatively. Sometimes they want the attention, and sometimes they find the guy saying things to be attractive so they let it slide, but they’re fucking it up for the rest of you. It’s like spam. The cost of sending 10,000 unsolicited email messages is so low that you only need 1 response to make it worthwhile. In conclusion, smack these women. You’ll be doing everyone a favor. Also, smack people who respond to spam.

I Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie!

2005-10-09T23:38:00.000-07:00

After having enough people bring it up, I feel the strange urge to address an issue. Stop saying black men love fat chicks!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with large women. That’s not the problem. First, stereotypes are annoying, second, large women are people too, and I’m sure they’re not thrilled to only have people interested in them because of their weight.

When people say black women love fat women, they’re saying that black men have a fetish for large women. In wild speculation on my part, I’m willing to bet that the percentage of black men with a fetish for large women is no different than that of the general population. I have a few large female friends who are not black, and they have remarked that black men hit on them frequently. Apparently I’m to explain this phenomenon to them, so here goes: weight doesn’t matter as much to some people. Yes, you can be a large woman, and still be very attractive. Accept it. There are many cultures where weight does not matter as much. Oddly enough, these cultures have lower instances of eating disorders. Most people don’t think of weight as a being attractive in and of itself. Despite what the media says, men aren’t going “OMG, that girl is so hot! I bet she only weighs 50 lbs!” Weight is a multiplier of attractiveness, rather than something to be added to it.

Being a fetish object sucks. This is quite insulting to the person involved as he/she been reduced to one of the smallest possible components of him/her self. Even when asked to describe one’s self in purely physical terms, there are few people out there who say “I’m fat!” or “I’m Blonde!” or “I have big tits!” and leave it at that. There’s a whole package that needs to be appreciated. I’ve known a few chubby chasers, but it’s not enough that the woman in question has to be large, she also has to be beautiful in their eyes. Look at people on an individual basis.

Cameltosis

2005-10-06T21:51:00.000-07:00

I was very bored on my way to work this morning. I spent a lot of time thinking about a dream I had last night. I was talking to a young woman, and I mentioned something about enjoying it when a woman expresses her feelings. The young woman then proceeded to kiss me. The odd thing about the dream was that she was a very bad kisser, but hey, bad kisses are slightly better than no kisses.

Try as I might, I couldn't think of her name while I was in the car, but then her name came to me. She has a unique name, one that reminds me of geography, and she pronounces it with a great accent. I started laughing like a madman in the car because I remember her second most prominent feature: perpetual Camel Toe. Now, this young woman is a great person. She's nice, and fun to be around. The thing is that she always wore pants that fit her in a certain way. That's not my fault!

The Sleep of the Dead

2005-10-03T19:09:00.000-07:00

PSA: if you're going to sleep on the sidewalk, don't be dressed nicely, don't fucking sleep in the middle of the goddamned street, and don't be laying there fucking face down with your hands at your fucking sides. It makes you look as if you've been seriously injured.

Signs Your Band is Going Nowhere...Fast

2005-09-25T16:24:00.000-07:00

If your band has a song with the same name as your band, or the name introduces your band(i.e. we are band x), you're in trouble.