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Adventures on TV

I like to browse the Comcast On Demand programs once in a while. They have a lineup of programs which they call “The Cutting Edge.” The name would lead you to believe that the programs offered as part of The Cutting Edge lineup are innovative, high quality, entertaining programs that perhaps are ahead of their time, but will definitely be appreciated in the future. That would be true if the people who selected the programs actually found them in any way entertaining, or of a high quality. Unfortunately the people who select the programs for The Cutting Edge have these 4 criteria: 1. Do I hate it? 2. Do Other People Like it? 3. Is it Weird? 4. Do Most People Not Know It Exists? A Yes to all 4 of those questions means a show is a candidate for joining a very confusing lineup of shows.

Among these shows is a sublineup called “Retro Erotica.” With a name like that, how could I possibly pass up a chance to watch? So I hit the info button for the first title, Nature Girls, and was immediately hit by some mixed news. The good news: it’s a free title, so I won’t have to pay to see it. The Bad news: It’s free, so it’s probably not very good. Then I read the summary: “Two Glamour Girls answer the call of nature by sharing a quick picnic, giving each other massages and then bask in the sunshine! Life should always be this simple. Don’t forget the sunscreen.” Hmm? I pressed play.



A movie from 1952. Y’know how all of the movies from the 1950’s have the same voice over guy who tells you not to do drugs, or to duck and cover? Well, he narrates this movie with OBVIOUS SEXUAL INNUENDO, and even worse, he talks ALL THE TIME. Pervs today wouldn’t tolerate that crap.



I had to put this picture here because I need a setup for the next picture. This is the first woman. We will see her with another woman doing fairly normal things like what you see in the next picture. Also note that the rating in the upper left hand corner is a complete and utter lie. What you see in this is no worse than you could see in a PG-13 movie.



WTF? That’s a garden hoe in her hands, and she’s going to dig up a carrot to eat during the picnic. It's a bad sign when you see a woman doing something completely normal with no sexual overtones to it. Oh yeah, the announcer says this gem of a line: “Dig deep into the virgin ground” and he says it in the least perverted way you could say anything. He says it the same way you would imagine someone telling a xmas story would say “and little Timmy did get his bike for Christmas!” This guy is the best pervert…ever. Every dirty thing sounds better when he’s saying it. I bet he’s related to Milkman Dan



The good stuff. The summary claims massaging, but it’s more accurate to say applying tanning lotion. The woman lying down removed her top, and there was a .5 second Janet Jackson moment, but I’m the only person in America who saw it because I’m the only person has ever seen this thing. After each girl was nice and tan, they did the next logical thing to do. They stretched.





People used to pray to the sun god, and they believed that they could have visions if they prayed enough. Now we know those “visions” are caused when the melanoma jumps to the brain. Trust me, I’m a history guy. The sun god told me so.

That pretty much sums up this movie. It’s two women eating, rubbing suntan lotion on each other, and then stretching, all in the least erotic way imaginable. I’m glad I didn’t pay for it because then I’d have to ask for my money back.

posted by SumThing @ 6:24 PM