Conspiracies
In honor of the recent release of The Da Vinci Code, and the renewed interest in finding Jimmy Hoffa’s Body, I feel that I should get something off my chest. All of you, please stop telling me about the secret organizations running the world, the 9/11 conspiracy, the faked moon landings, etc. It’s not that I’m not willing to believe, it’s just that all of you provide such shitty evidence. Let’s address these one at a time…
I’m not going to buy your theory about the cabal secretly running the world. Why not? Where are these people getting their power from? They probably don’t have the
Infinity Trident. They certainly can’t have an army, since having one would reveal their secret, and most importantly. They can’t possibly have dirt on heads of state since heads of state can have these people y’know…killed. Until you can explain to me how some organization can secretly run the world, just stop talking about it.
Okay if you’re going to tell me that World Trade Center, and the Pentagon were attacked with bombs, show me your degree in engineering first. It’s simple really, there is an accepted explanation for those events, and some of you just don’t believe it. I really encourage you to actually know what you’re talking about before you start telling me what I need to believe.
Finally, the moon landing. Buzz Aldrin, patriot,
asskicker, really doesn’t like it when you try to deny his accomplishment. Do you really want to get punched in the face by a senior citizen astronaut? I didn’t think so! Here’s a site that addresses the moon landing stuff btw
http://www.badastronomy.com/bad/tv/foxapollo.html Now please folks, just stop talking to me about these things.
I Hate Amber and Her Alerts!
The USPS has decided to unveil an Amber Alert stamp:
http://www.tribune-chronicle.com/community/articles.asp?articleID=4229 For those of you who don’t know, an Amber Alert is when the entire world stops because a child was abducted. Y’see, we care so much about children that we had decided that when a child is abducted, all of the freeways with programmable signs will tell everyone to be on the lookout for an auto with some child in it. We have also decided to interrupt my television shows to tell me about this fucking abduction. Yes, I’m sure that if I see a white van with license plate CHILDPREDATOR in my living room, I will call the cops. You sure are helping to save a lot of kids by telling me to look for a van in my living room.
I’d also like to point out that this is the only crime for which we do this sort of thing. No Adult Amber Alerts, no lookout for murders. Hell, even terror alerts don’t pre-empt my favorite tv! In conclusion, leave the children behind, and keep them off my TV.
Weddings
It’s been a long time since I posted. I blame the economy.
Weddings are an interesting thing. I understand why people don’t like going to weddings. It seems that the stereotypical American wedding is filled with ritual designed to bore the crap out of everyone but the person getting married. This includes the reception, which seems always has crappy music, or uptight people, or both. But it’s very difficult to get out of going to one since you’re essentially being invited to share in the happiest moment of someone’s life (except for when they sign the divorce papers in a couple of years).
So I went to a wedding last night, and I think I should share some observations with y’all:
- You will save money by having your wedding on Friday, and you will also filter out people whom you only sent invitations to out of obligation.
- You can tell how much the bride cares about her guests by the quality of the food served at the reception. The food last night was great and plentiful, so the bride had some actual concern about her guests. When there is little food and it’s crappy, the bride hate you and everyone else in attendance, or she’s selfish.
- The uglier the wedding cake, the better it tastes. Don’t buy a wedding cake because it looks nice.
- Side boob is always fun to look at, and there’s plenty of it at weddings.
- Your guests will never…ever care as much about your wedding as much as you do.
- Consider having a cash bar if your guests can’t control themselves around good, free alcohol.
- Weddings are like Spanish Fly for single women. You will get to dance with plenty of women around your own age, if you want to but…
- Consider breaking a leg when the drunken 60-year-old coworker wants to dance with you.
- Just smile and wish to die when a slow song comes on and she starts holding you very, very tightly.
So it was a somewhat strange experience, but a fun time was had by all, I suppose...
