Adventures on TV
I like to browse the Comcast On Demand programs once in a while. They have a lineup of programs which they call “The Cutting Edge.” The name would lead you to believe that the programs offered as part of The Cutting Edge lineup are innovative, high quality, entertaining programs that perhaps are ahead of their time, but will definitely be appreciated in the future. That would be true if the people who selected the programs actually found them in any way entertaining, or of a high quality. Unfortunately the people who select the programs for The Cutting Edge have these 4 criteria: 1. Do I hate it? 2. Do Other People Like it? 3. Is it Weird? 4. Do Most People Not Know It Exists? A Yes to all 4 of those questions means a show is a candidate for joining a very confusing lineup of shows.
Among these shows is a sublineup called “Retro Erotica.” With a name like that, how could I possibly pass up a chance to watch? So I hit the info button for the first title, Nature Girls, and was immediately hit by some mixed news. The good news: it’s a free title, so I won’t have to pay to see it. The Bad news: It’s free, so it’s probably not very good. Then I read the summary: “Two Glamour Girls answer the call of nature by sharing a quick picnic, giving each other massages and then bask in the sunshine! Life should always be this simple. Don’t forget the sunscreen.” Hmm? I pressed play.
A movie from 1952. Y’know how all of the movies from the 1950’s have the same voice over guy who tells you not to do drugs, or to duck and cover? Well, he narrates this movie with OBVIOUS SEXUAL INNUENDO, and even worse, he talks ALL THE TIME. Pervs today wouldn’t tolerate that crap.
I had to put this picture here because I need a setup for the next picture. This is the first woman. We will see her with another woman doing fairly normal things like what you see in the next picture. Also note that the rating in the upper left hand corner is a complete and utter lie. What you see in this is no worse than you could see in a PG-13 movie.
WTF? That’s a garden hoe in her hands, and she’s going to dig up a carrot to eat during the picnic. It's a bad sign when you see a woman doing something completely normal with no sexual overtones to it. Oh yeah, the announcer says this gem of a line: “Dig deep into the virgin ground” and he says it in the least perverted way you could say anything. He says it the same way you would imagine someone telling a xmas story would say “and little Timmy did get his bike for Christmas!” This guy is the best pervert…ever. Every dirty thing sounds better when he’s saying it. I bet he’s related to
Milkman Dan
The good stuff. The summary claims massaging, but it’s more accurate to say applying tanning lotion. The woman lying down removed her top, and there was a .5 second Janet Jackson moment, but I’m the only person in America who saw it because I’m the only person has ever seen this thing. After each girl was nice and tan, they did the next logical thing to do. They stretched.
People used to pray to the sun god, and they believed that they could have visions if they prayed enough. Now we know those “visions” are caused when the melanoma jumps to the brain. Trust me, I’m a history guy. The sun god told me so.
That pretty much sums up this movie. It’s two women eating, rubbing suntan lotion on each other, and then stretching, all in the least erotic way imaginable. I’m glad I didn’t pay for it because then I’d have to ask for my money back.
Because I'm About to Puke
I was just watching
I love the 80's Strikes Back on VH1, and they talked about the remake of
The Fly. It's definitely a movie you want to watch, and vomit to. I feel a little sick just thinking about it...
Chocolate, Bacon, Cheese, and Guns
I subscribe to the theory that either bacon, chocolate, or cheese can be added to any dish to make it taste better. Think of any dish, and there isn't any possible way that one of those 3 items won't make it better.
A long time ago, someone decided that shooting enhanced every sport, thus the second weirdest Winter Olympics game, the biathlon, was born. The biathlon is a combination of skiing and shooting, and it's every bit as odd as it sounds.
The Biathlon goes something like this: first you do some cross-country skiing, then you stop and shoot a rifle at a target 50m away. Ski some more, shoot some more, ski some more, and then stop when you realize that you're actually in a contest comprised of skiing and shooting, but not at the same time. And that's the real problem with the biathlon; it seems so forced. 500m freestyle swimming and archery makes as much sense.
Another skiing event would make it much better. In my perfect world, the biathlon would involve the ski jump. You would have the shoot targets on the way down, and each hit would add additional feet to your final jump score. After you landed, you would mock the people who came up with the idea of cross-country skiing and shooting as an Olympic sport, and have a nice hot cup of chocolate with cheese and bacon in it.
Almost Anything Can Be Funny
The Smoking Gun is a great site to learn all about the real winners in society. One such winner is a man by the name of Travis Frey. He presented hiw wife with a contract dictating what she could and couldn't do. I'm with TSG's sentiment that there are too many highlights to really do it justice. Personally, I could never marry a woman who would let me seriously present this to her. What can I say? I have to respect the woman I marry.
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0217062contract1.htmlFor the more morbid among you, here is a list of unusual deaths:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_unusual_deaths
Yay! A Card!
I did get one card for Valentine's day...
Dino Stickers are hot!
Regrets in Retrospect
It’s the little things in life that I regret- the things that mean both a lot and a little at the same time. Big things set your life on a whole new vector. The little things fine-tune the direction.
It was two years ago, and we had a couple of dates. I wasn’t anything worthy of consideration as serious, or even slightly committed. It was however, fun. She told me she was moving well before she told me she was interested. Fortunately, a part of myself told me to live for the moment, and I did. I don’t regret that. I didn’t regret the kiss or our last spoken words then, and I don’t regret them now, but I do wish they were
better. It was almost as if I would be seeing her later in the week.
Perhaps it’s better that it ended that way. Formal endings, finality, imply major significance of the events. Finality is for major turning points, but even the slightest change can cause great shifts given enough time…
Y’know, I only have a problem with it now. I think that means I did a good thing. It was ever so small a change, and most important of all, it was fun.
Just in time for SAD
Tomorrow is Single’s Awareness Day, so in the spirit of this holiday, here are some interesting news stories…
The first is about mentally disabled adults looking for love
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11333040/ If you and your SO are both thinking “I love you, but you need some work” perhaps couples plastic surgery is for you
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11330655/And finally, the Fair Isaac Corp, the corporation that created the formula that determines your FICO score, has released a study that shows that women prefer a guy with a steady job.
http://www.latimes.com/business/la-021306love_lat,0,383892.story?coll=la-home-headlines
The Canine Menace
I was in a store the other day, and there was a woman in there with a dog on a leash. I looked around searching for chew toys, dried pig ears, or pretty much anything that would indicate that I was in fact, in a pet store. Alas, I found naught but video games and screaming kids, indicating that I was in ye olde videogamme store. I made sure to check the signs outside as I left, and sure enough, it prohibited pets except for Seeing Eye dogs.
Stores generally don’t allow dogs for a few reasons. They don’t want dogs using the store as their personal bathrooms of course, and they don’t want pet dander stirring up anyone’s allergies if they can help it, but they’re also concerned about the unpredictability of animals. If there’s a loud noise, or if some person who isn’t paying attention steps on the dog’s tail, that dog may go apeshit because that’s what dogs, and other animals do.
I don’t mind dogs, but I sometimes hate their owners. Some dog owners don’t seem to realize that they are responsible for the actions of their dogs. Yes, you have to clean up your dog’s poop, and if your dog bites someone, you’re going to have to be the one to pay. Animal owners used to be content in having to tie their dogs, cats, komodo dragons, and other assorted animals up outside, but then some broad messed it up.
Ever found a facial expression that really works for you in pictures?
One day, a spoiled woman by the name of Paris Hilton decided that she needed a fashion accessory. She found the cutest little dog and decided that this was the perfect thing to take everywhere with her. She decided that it was perfectly cool to take her cute little dog with her into any store if she carried it in her arms. Impressionable women all over America decided this was the cool thing to do, and now you see women with toy dogs in one arm, and a purse in the other. Sometimes they have large purses with toy dogs in them.
Dogs are not fashion accessories. In fact, no living animal is. A dog kept as a fashion accessory won’t be trained, and a lot of toy dogs are high-strung. This means that they can cause a lot of trouble inside of a store. A hyper kid is going to try to play with one of these dogs and get a face ripped off! Being attacked by a Yorkshire Terrier, or a Chihuahua is not something you want people knowing about. Even trained, mellow dogs can be a problem under the right circumstances, and it would suck if one started running through a store knocking over cans, eating people, etc. Worst of all, you just know that the owner of a dog that goes apeshit in a store will refuse to take responsibility for the dog’s actions.
So in conclusion, Paris Hilton is a skanky ho (ha! Cheal shot!), and keep your pets outside, unless it’s a parrot because pirate-related paraphernalia rocks.
A Guy Post...
Few things are more embarassing than wearing a pair of pants which reveal which side you dress to >_<
